Girlfriends have specific irrevocably inalienable virtual responsibilities towards one another in social media platforms such as Facebook, and they are as follows ...
1. You will always watch your screen for the announcement that your girlfriend has arrived. It is appropriate to have some sort of magnificent music begin playing immediately. You can commence the jumping up and down and squealing and you will immediately IM her with "HIIIIIIIII!!!!! (hugs)" (helpful hint.... to fully experience girfriend huggydom you should hug yourself frequently and pretend it is her doing it ...don't french kiss the mirror though cause that is just pathetic)
2. Next step is immediate voice chat. More squealing and jumping up and down. (if rl interferes with this find a huge closet - tell the children and hubby you are playing a special game. Tie them up with duct tape and make sure to put two pieces over their mouths ... tell them the first one to get out of their restraints will get supper. Throw in some dry crusts of bread for incentive. Believe me I have used this many times .. the family loves it .. such a fun fun game ...hours and hours of fun ... one time it went for 4 days .... hilarious ....well I guess I was the only one laughing ... except no .. I forgot about them and went to bed ... I was sleeping ... ok nevermind...)
3. You then immediately send her all the info on what has happened or what you have heard or seen since she last signed off - even if she just put the headset down to go to the bathroom for 2 minutes.(except that real girlfriends go at the same time) If there was something hilarious that happened you should have pics and of course ALWAYS copy what everyone else talked to you about - how will your properly gossip otherwise?
4.You must also update her on who you both like and dislike. There is no room for individual relationships with true girlfriends. Make sure she knows who you are mad at so she can be mad too. Check and recheck these lists so that there are no mix-ups cause if you ever say something on a post of one of the "banned" you are about to get hit upside the head with a whole lot of girlfriend insanity.
5.You must take a million pics of you and her doing silly things together in real life and post them all over facebook. When she posts her pics you must make a comment about how gorgeous she is and she will respond in kind. You must "like" every post and comment that she makes.
6. If someone else has been a bitch and you both agree you hate her/him .... begin writing nasty stuff immediately. Post pics if you have them. Involve everyone. Bullying and Stalking with a gang is much more powerful. Never underestimate your grandmother and her willingness to tell people off. Go on for days and days and days.
6. Never pick up other girlfriends when she is not around. You own each other and owe each other - this is real territorial stuff .. in fact do like the animals in the wild do and run around and pee a big circle around her .... that way there is no confusing who she belongs to ...those damn deer horn in on everything otherwise. DO NOT talk to other people or "smile at them" or "like" what they say. DO NOT post pics of you shopping with anyone else. Think of ownership like Goreans except without the loin cloths and all the kneeling.
7. Never kiss and tell. Don't do anything and tell. That is a girlfriend kiss of death. If you need to tell someone tell me .... because I am a professional and I need stupid things to write about.
8.List her as your "sister" under family. Say she is your sister from another mother because dad's like it when we accuse them publicly of screwing around on mom.
9.Yes! It is your job, should anything happen to her, to immediately access her computer and wipe it clean, destroy the evidence !
10.You are not allowed to ever date someone she has looked at or talked to online. The virtual rule is first one to drool on a picture, regardless of whether you ever talk or cyber, has ownership (no co-operation of the male is required - the less he knows about being owned the better).
11. Most importantly know that cyber girlfriends take precedence over every other relationship and you must wear the ankle tracking device at all times.
12.You must constantly vote for her as the one person who looks most like Angelina Jolie and the cutest Disney Character in every facebook contest there is. You must repost every post she puts that says THIS will prove which of her friends really care about her.
13. Answer your im's within 4.7 seconds or the automatic assumption is that you are "stabbing her in the back" and "hurting her like she has never been hurt before." This will lead to name calling with words you have never heard before.
14. In the event a break-up should occur a division of the friends that are not so damaged from the fall out, that can still type and are alive is not expected. These are to be share .. have them immediately don their stool pigeon outfits and carry info back and forth between the two of you so that even if you are no longer friends you can still spend quality time together each day fighting.