Christmas Crackers and More Bitching by the Complaining Canuck.

Can you tell that I am on a bit of a rant about Christmas … still???

In North America when you ask people if they are ready for Christmas yet … you get an engaged, detailed response ranging from either how much is left to do or smug pleasure that you are right on top of it or even DONE!!

Ask in Australia and you get, "Pffft Christmas … just like any other day in our house." "We don't celebrate Christmas." "Ya, it is no big deal." Those that do celebrate it tend to have a meal of some sort (just to distinguish it from other days … when they have a meal … of some sort …) and that is about it. I am sure there are people somewhere in Australia that celebrate Christmas with some enthusiasm … I just have not found them yet …

It's kinda like a scavenger hunt only with eggnog and large black beetles called Christmas Beetles. (They have all the best Christmas stuff here)

So yes they ignore all the meaningful traditions. There are no decking the halls, jingling bells, no christmas carolling, no church, no nativity scene, no Santa, no lights, no bells, no candy canes, no pine cones, no wreaths, no reindeer, no sleigh, no pack of toys, no mincemeat pies, no cranberries, no candy, no turkey, no stuffing, no christmas pudding, no stockings hung with care, no candles, no tree with hand picked ornaments, no angels, no shepherds or wisemen, no tinsel, no gifts, no mistletoe, no holly and ivy, no good cheer, peace on earth and lets visit grandma …..

Nope BUT there is one thing. The universal sign for Christmas in Australia is a Christmas cracker … see one of those puppies on the table and you KNOW you are in Australia and today you are doing Christmas!! Yes, those incredibly tacky, stupid paper things that you are expected to crack open with the completely drunk stranger sitting next to you so that you can get some useless plastic something you can kick on the floor and leave to choke up the earth some more, and a beyond stupid joke that everyone insists on reading out loud and groaning or pretending to laugh depending on how drunk they are and OH OH OH lets not forget the ridiculous tissue hat that in the heat, actually recolours your forehead and hair pink, purple, red, yellow, green or blue!! Wear them all and you can get a part time job doing kid's shows as Bozo the Clown.

AND THOSE hats are what the Aussies are passionate about!! You WILL wear that hat. IT IS FREAKING CHRISTMAS!! People become very irate and dangerous when you tell them you are not going to wear the hat. They have police for that kind of thing and they are serious about the law of the Christmas Cracker Tissue Hat. They have guns and they are not afraid to use them should you make no move to unfold the hat and place it on your head. Sweet looking older ladies that smell of peppermint and you swear arrived in a wheel chair, suddenly are in your face, unfolding your hat and forcing it on your head.

And so everyone sits looking like complete idiots, with their tissue hats, reading jokes and eating sausages… cause this is Christmas .. WHOOT!!

I don't do tissue hats. Ever. Shoot me … I am going to sit alone by my Christmas Tree and gnaw on my turkey leg that I had to special order because what turkey is sold here often comes sans the legs … yes … they evidently only raise handicapped Turkeys here. I do have my limits.